The world according to Autistic children can be wildly different to the one their neurotypical peers experience, so it’s only logical that how they enjoy their world is different too.
This is something I took a long time to get my head around, because I only knew one way to play, and Noah was definitely not on board with that.
Around the same time that Noah‘s other traits began to emerge, so his interest in toys dwindled. We had gone from him diligently putting shapes into a sorter or knocking down Duplo towers that we’d built, to Noah choosing to stare into space chewing on a Duplo brick for hours. Every time I tried to engage him play he would get up and move away. If I tried to make him stay he would get upset, and if I played with a toy by myself hoping to get his attention he would focus all of his attention on a spec of dust in the carpet. I was lost. I didn’t know what else to try.
Over time, we’ve taken on lots, and lots of well meant advice from friends and therapists, and research. I tried using ‘hand-over-hand’ to guide him using a toy, but he would recoil from my grip. I tried modelling the toys, but he wouldn’t even look in my direction. I tried offering choices, he would rather have nothing. ”One more, then finish!” I would repeat, day after day trying to make him play on MY schedule. Everything I tried just made him retreat further into himself. Play time became a chore instead of something fun for him. In the end, I’m ashamed to say I started to give up. It was easier to put him in front of the tv some days and just stop forcing it. But, as ever, mum guilt is always hiding around that corner, and I would consistently beat myself up that I didn’t try hard enough that day, regardless of the fact that any approach I had seemed to just upset him anyway. I couldn’t win.
I started to dread birthdays and Christmas. Endless messages from well meaning friends and family asking “what’s he into?” And “does he like cars?”, “do you think he’ll like this?”. I couldn’t answer them, I didn’t know! Aside from absorbing every episode of Hey Duggee like an addict, I hadn't managed to work him out at all. I just felt like a failure, and like I was disappointing every body who wanted to buy him something fun and flashy. The reality was they would have been wasting their time and money. “Just get clothes, that’s all he needs” I said for one birthday. It was easier. I didn’t want people to fork out for things he would have no interest in.
Just after that birthday, I took the autism course I mentioned before, and my entire outlook changed. Of course Noah wasn’t going to play my way, he wasn’t like me. He was processing more information about the world around him than I had ever had to, so he literally did not SEE things the same way. I started to watch him more, observe what he was really looking at and interested by, I waited for him to bring me into HIS world, and slowly, he trusted me enough to open the door. Noah likes textures, but only if he finds them himself. Don’t hand him something to feel because he will recoil, he needs to take his time. The more he likes it, the more often he will seek it out, for example, his most favourite game at present is to feel the stretch marks on my stomach. He likes to push up my top and run his finger tips over them, kissing them and laying his cheek against them. He will do this for ages, and if I try and pull my top down he pulls it straight back up.
“That’s where I grew you!” I tell him when ever he does it, while I stroke his hair. I love it, not so much when he tries to do it in public though, or in front of the paediatrician at the ASD assessment!
Noah also loves water, and making puddles to splash in. Sometimes it’s water from his bottle, dribbled down his front and onto the floor as he giggles and wiggles his toes into it, and sometimes… well sometimes it’s wee. That one is a bit more of a problem! I end up using lots of redirection to more appropriate sources of liquid! (I'll talk more another time about redirecting inappropriate behaviors) But because of Noah’s love of water, he now helps me wash up. It’s become a sort of game, where I try and wash up whilst Noah grabs the stream as it pours from the tap. It’s also the reason that our SEN swimming sessions have become a huge success. He would stay in that pool all day long if he could. After last nights session he even made an attempt to dive back in fully clothed!
One of his favourite things to do is physical play and climbing. He would rather spend hours on my husbands shoulders or riding him like a pony than playing with any kind of age appropriate toy. The more you throw him around the happier he is, and the more likely he is to seek you out in a crowd next time.
Essentially, Noah likes anything that stimulates his Vestibular or Proprioceptive senses, (click the red words for an explanation of each of these senses and how they affect the autistic child). He will seek out lots of physical contact with anyone he trusts, or will spend hours exploring his world through texture. At preschool, when they take the children to the woods, they often end up clearing sections of ground to make sure he can’t hurt himself, and then allowing him to wander barefoot exploring. He loves it, and will fight to take his shoes and socks off at every opportunity.
We leaned into this different attitude to play, and our interactive relationship with Noah has really improved. He knows that we understand him, and what things he likes, and he seeks us out for play, instead of us trying to make him play with things that don’t interest him.
There are a multitude of things on the market designed to target the sensory need of children, and some of them are great, but before you spend a fortune it is worth taking your child somewhere you can test out things they may or may not enjoy. There are lots of hidden resources, some SEN school will hire out their sensory rooms out of term times, and most soft plays now have sensory attractions in their baby sections, both are a really cheap way of testing the proverbial 'sensory' waters. Ultimately, the best thing you can do when you're struggling to engage them in any kind of play is to take a step back. Make a cup of tea, and WATCH them. They will guide you towards what interests or stimulates them. Communicate those interests or aversions to your friends, family, anyone who may ever intend to buy them a gift in the future. Sharing information like that early and ahead of time can take the pressure off when the big days roll around.
This year, Noah is getting a selection of textured play mats for Christmas, as well as a wobble board, and some other sensory stimulating toys, and for the first time I can confidently say he is going to love them.
Remember, no child comes with a manual, but raising an autistic child is like trying to build flat pack furniture, except the furniture is from IKEA, and the instructions are all in Russian, and they forgot to include the allen key. Sometimes you have to throw out your toolbox and google translate some Russian to figure how to make it work.
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