Find your tribe.

My experience of being a nursery mum began in the middle of the pandemic, where social distancing, masks, and generally avoiding each-other was the norm, so maybe I don't have a fair grasp on what it's really like.

But, as restrictions changed, masks weren't required at drop offs, and people started to go back to normal, I felt like I still had a "Two Metres Apart" sign on my back.

Other parents in the queue knew one another, because their children had made friends, which meant that when they played together in the queues outside, the parents had an opportunity to chat. Some had older children in the school next door, but I didn't have any of those links.

Noah didn't exactly play with children at preschool, and he couldn't point out other children in the queue to tell me their names. Instead he was usually so excited for nursery that he would spend that time stimming and squealing with happiness. He would flap his arms, jump, and shout babble. The sort of behaviour that gained us uncomfortable looks from other parents.

I can't be the only parent of a SEN child who's stood in those queues and felt completely alone. Other parents don't know what to say to the mum of the child who's acting 'weird'. It's the old saying, "if you can't say anything nice, say nothing". I understand, I probably would have been the same, but I think I would at least have smiled at the mum. Some mornings it would really get to me, when all the mums were chatting in groups and there was me, with Noah up in my arms doing Eskimo kisses or teaching him to wait his turn to go in. It didn't seem to matter at pick up either, when I was stood there alone, my card had already been marked by then.

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever received was from an old friend that my husband and I knew when we first got together. She has older children, one of which is Autistic. She got in touch after I'd been open about Noah on my social media, with a bucket load of love, advice and support. She told me to "Find my tribe."

What she meant by that, was that there would come a time when the differences between Noah and our friends children would make maintaining those relationships really difficult. Through no fault of their own, the emotional toll of watching their children succeed effortlessly whilst Noah struggled endlessly (it seemed), was eventually going to take its toll on my mental health. What I needed in my life was balance. I needed friends with children like mine, in my exact situation. People I wouldn't have to explain myself or Noah to, who knew the value of his little micro communications and who most importantly, would accept and include us. She was absolutely right.

I'd become a bit of a hermit after having Noah. I had my life long friends who I was always comfortable around but I felt like I'd completely lost the ability to make new friends. I just felt so awkward, so naturally, I dragged my mum along to the first autism parents coffee morning that I found. Initially, I was really anxious, but then the first member of my tribe walked in. She was a breath of fresh air. I would have sworn she'd been going for years, but when she turned around and said this was her first time too, I was stunned! She was so confident, she literally did not care what anyone thought.

"She's what you need." said my mum. So, through Noah, who was busy trying to steal some of the cake she had with her, I got chatting, and we didn't stop. My poor mum was just hanging out drinking a coffee waiting for me. Its fair to say I haven't dragged her to anymore bless her!

We had so much in common, her son presented the same as Noah, she was having to jump the same hurdles I'd been jumping, we were both a bit of a hot mess, and she just made me laugh so much. We started meeting up, sometimes with the boys and sometimes just us two, but I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. It was the best thing I could have done.

She gave me the confidence to reach out to more parents, and I've gained a handful of friends in the SEN world, so far. Having people to share Noah's achievements with, people who get what a big deal it is when he follows an instruction for the first time, its game changing. My friends with mainstream children are incredibly supportive and have always been great at including us, and I'll always be thankful for that, but there is a level of empathy missing from those relationships that is then fulfilled by the tribe.

So I urge you, go to that coffee morning, take your child to that social group, find YOUR tribe. They're waiting for you.