About a year ago, one of my closest friends was going through a nasty break up. I spent a lot of time on the phone with her, coaching her through tears and decisions and generally trying to make her feel better in her time of need. Little did I know that breaking conversation to shout “NOAH! LEAVE YOUR WILLY ALONE!!” was the one thing guaranteed to leave her in absolute stitches!
That's the thing with inappropriate behaviours, at the ripe old age of 3, it’s cute or funny when they’re up to something that they shouldn’t be, but once the hormones start raging, people just aren’t as considerate towards young men testing the elasticity of certain appendages.
It’s something that concerns me a lot about the future, and the ever multiplying hurdles we have to face. What if I can never get him to understand that some things stay under our clothes and happen in private? What happens when that desire to investigate is then fuelled by more than just curiosity?
Inappropriate fiddling is just the tip of the iceberg, there are so many (less embarrassing) ways that these kinds of behaviours can manifest. Take picking for example. If Noah gets so much as a nick on his skin he has to pick and scratch until it’s a huge scab, and even then he has to pick at it until it scars. Right now he has a wound on the back of his leg that looks like a cigarette burn! I’ve tried creams, plasters, layering clothing, verbal boundaries, distractions… somehow he will always find a way to get to it, and when you catch him to stop him he gets so cross! He just doesn’t understand that he’s doing himself more damage. Breaking that understanding barrier is the hardest part, and that can only come with time, repetition and consistency. Until then, the only thing we can keep doing is redirect, redirect, redirect.
For example, when Noah decides to play with his willy, I start with telling him no, putting it back inside his nappy, and saying something simple like ”Willy stay in.” (ain’t that the million dollar question). If it comes out again, then I take him straight to the toilet and sit him on the loo with his nappy off in the hopes that he’s fiddling because he needs to wee. My hope is that he eventually gains some environmental association that he should be in the bathroom when he’s touching it, or when it “goes off”.
The same goes for picking. I start with a verbal boundary, like “stop picking”. Usually he’ll stop pretty quickly for a few moments. If he consistently goes back to it, then perhaps it’s irritated, so I make a big deal about putting on some cream and a plaster, giving it a big rub and then immediately try and distract him with a toy or a tickle (otherwise he rips the plaster straight off!).
Obviously I can’t watch him 24/7, I have to sleep, and so does he. So we’ve developed the superhero technique at bedtime, where we layer a vest over the top of his pyjamas, so that he can’t get inside his nappy and soak his bed. He looks like superman with his underpants on the outside of his trousers. It looks ridiculous, but better that then several bed sheet changes in a night! It took a lot of trial and error in terms of which order to layer his clothing in, and he has still been known to slide his hand back inside the armhole of his vest to have a play, but often we end up staying with him until he falls asleep anyway these days, so it’s been easier to manage.
These techniques don’t always work, and he still seeks out these behaviours, but I’m trying to build the foundations for his understanding later on. I’m hoping to give future us an easier time of things! The reality is that there is no manual for this kind of thing, autistic children are all so vastly different that there’s no way to know what is going to work for your child without trying a multitude of methods.
Usually, these behaviours have a route in some sort of sensory seeking deficit, so can always try and lean into it in a more appropriate manner. I’ve noticed that Noah leaves his parts alone more often now that he has a stretchy noodle sensory toy that he can mimic them with, and that he seeks out self made wet play less now that we swim once a week. That’s not to say he doesn’t still indulge himself occasionally, but I find my phone calls are now not peppered with constant frustrated reminders for him to put it away.
I know that most children struggle with impulse control at some stage, and that nothing we’ve experienced in this area is strange to neurotypical parents, but it will take us longer than most to get Noah to understand the boundaries, because as far as he’s concerned, he’s just behaving naturally and honestly.
Maybe that’s a lesson we should take from the autistic people in our lives, always be respectful and polite, but never stop being honest.
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