Did you know that when we're communicating with the people around us, 93% of the information we convey comes through our non-verbal gestures, and not from the actual words that we use? We communicate with our whole bodies, through the way that we shape our faces, the tone that we use when we speak, and the way we hold ourselves. How many times have you looked at a friend or family member and known exactly what they were thinking without them having to say it? I know I've shared a knowing glance across a room with my husband when we've shared the same thought!
That's why I get frustrated when people assume that non-verbal means non-communicating because it couldn't be further from the truth. My brilliant and resourceful little boy communicates all of the time, it just looks different to what you're expecting.
Noah doesn't have much trouble getting his needs met without uttering a single word. Come to think of it he babbles constantly, except when he's trying to communicate, because it takes all of his concentration to make you understand what he wants. He'll usually start by getting hold of your hand and pulling. He'll pull you up out of a chair or across a room until he gets you in just the right place, and he's fairly insistent about it. Then he'll either pull your hand until it touches what he wants, or he'll push something into your hand, like a water bottle or bring something to you if he needs help with it, like unwrapping a snack or pressing play on his tablet. Over time he's learned that we'll cooperate with his style of talking and as a result, he will also now make an effort to communicate when he doesn't need anything. One of his favourite things to do is pull my hand to make me follow him upstairs, all the way to my bed so we can lay down and cuddle. Sometimes he just climbs into my lap to give me kisses or affection, or he'll show us he's excited by something by clinging on to us and stimming. It's easy to focus on these big need fulfilling actions, but the truth is that there is so much information coming from him at any given moment, you just have to learn how to read it. Arm up over his eyes whilst watching Duggee? He's anticipating something. Flappy arms hands and fingers with a great big grin? He's excited! Drop the grin and he's frustrated. Furrowing his brow and not making any sound? He's working something out (could be a feeling, could be a poo). I could go on all night, but the reality is we've had to learn to communicate through body language and observation because we had no other way. I can sit here and point out all of the ways that Noah communicates like it's obvious, but for the other adults in his life, it really isn't, and that can make building relationships with him incredibly difficult. I've listened to friends and family members say "Oh I just wish he could communicate, then I'd be able to understand him" so often that I get quite defensive about it. I've corrected them time and again, but nothing seemed to change that mindset until I started teaching them HOW to communicate on Noah's level. Explaining how he prefers a physical interaction like climbing or tickling over any kind of real verbal interaction has made a huge difference in their relationships with him, and I've found I hear that word "communicate" less and less.
Adapting to non-verbal communication doesn't mean we don't still try and encourage Noah to use his voice, it just takes the pressure off of learning speech, and instead focuses on teaching him the basics of communicating. For example, we take simple games like "Ready, steady... GO!" and use them to teach him about call and response, eye contact, and anticipation. It works excellently if GO means tickling!
Essentially: "Ready..." sets the expectation of what's to come
"Steady..." builds anticipation We pause for eye contact, teaching him that my action requires a response before "GO!" we reward his cooperation with something he loves like tickling.
We also use Makaton to reinforce the spoken words that we attach to objects or actions so that the sound doesn't just hang in the air in front of him waiting for him to understand it. If he asks for a drink, I'll point to the fridge and make the Makaton sign for milk, or the tap and make the sign for water, then wait for him to make a gesture of response. This could be a push in the right direction, or simply a flick of his eyes that indicates his choice. Sometimes the movement is so subtle that I don't always catch it, but it's there, and the more frequently we 'mark' it to show we understand the more that gesture will develop.
Learning to interpret your non-verbal child is like trying to learn to speak Chinese, but only in the hanzi characters, and without a guide. You just have to look for patterns and repetition and try and match them to your alphabet where you can.
Then you have to try and write a guide for everyone else involved in their life so that you can get a little help on this mad ride.
That part is really hard, and not everyone will be willing to read your guide or learn that new language, but if you can get a handful of them to make that effort with you, I promise it makes the world of difference.
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